Shit that Silicon Forest startups almost said

Remember a few weeks ago? No. I mean really. Do you remember a few weeks ago? Good. Because I have a hard time remembering that far back sometimes.

Anyway, remember a few weeks about when “Shit [whomever] says” was blowing up as a meme on the Web? Well, in the midst of a meme-fever, it seemed a sure thing that the world needed “Shit Silicon Forest startups say.”

For better or worse, we started the script. But being Portlanders, we fell into the “talk about it but never actually complete it” trap. Call it laziness. Call it “one too many side projects.” Whatever.

Still, the script was pretty good. Maybe. And so we thought you deserved to read it.

Oh and because some of you have bitc… err complained about it before. Fair warning. There’s colorful language ahead.

So here you go:

Shit Silicon Forest Startups Say

Locations: Pie, Teardrop, Barista, Outdoors

Lines:

Whiffies doesn’t sell lemon anymore

I got run over by a tall bike

I think the VC was into us, but we were at Barista so it’s hard to tell

Teardrop. You get funded at Teardrop.

Scott Kveton. You know he can’t touch his shoulders.

Dude. Reed is totally the Stanford of Portland

I totally checked in on Shizzow. Which was Brightkite before Foursquare and Gowalla and shit.

I’m going through Upstart Labs before PIE and then applying to PSF before doing Oregon Angel and Venture NW

I’ve got an angel who’s totally investing as soon as the Jive lockup period expires

@turoczy is such a douche

It’s like an Etsy meets Kickstarter with Urban Airship built on AppFog

Small Society only passed on this project because they got acquired

I heard New Deal’s gin is vegan… and paleo

Sam Adams said my startup is bigger than the tram and streetcar combined

Seriously my new startup? It’s like Jive for Whiiffies meets Urban Airship for Appfog with Puppet on Android for Open Source geeks with big data projects in a coworking space. The Timbers will totally sign on. And Silicon Florist will totally cover it.

This HD app on iPad totally sucks on my iPhone. I blame WalMart

I guess that Android on vending machines in cool. But I really want a Nexus that helps me with beer tap selection.

I’m totally bootstrapping until the utility kilt five finger vibram crowd sees a value in using us for food cart selection.

Thank goodness for identica. How else would I be able to tweet my check in to foursquare on shizzow before +1 my tweet on Google to Facebook on Foursquare…? Fuck. I love open source.

Also? Plurk

Give me a minute on Github. I’m sure we can fix this. Socially.

I think CivicApps can help

Did you post that to Calagator?

I heard Eileen Brady, Jefferson Smith, and Charley Hales all agreed on this one

Portlandia is so… OVER

Really? Sam’s not running for another term?

Is that a double rainbow?

Blogging is the new podcasting.

Isn’t that the Mayor?

Urban Airship will host it.

Puppet will host it.

Blogging is so over.

Is that open source?

I only use open source. Now where the hell is my iPhone?

Did you ride your bike here?

So there you go

You can kind of see it in your head, can’t you? Yeah. And you probably just thought of at least a dozen other phrases. It’s okay. It’s cathartic.

And yes, this was the easy way out. If any of you managed to actually get past the script phase and into production, by all means, we’d love to see that. Because, I mean, we can only rewatch Portlandia so many times.

UPDATE: And someone has. Here’s Sh*t Portlanders Say.

[Editor: Thanks to @camikaos for her extensive contributions to the script]

(Image courtesy Francis Eatherington. Used under Creative Commons.)